Leaked Classified Intel Suggests NMC Has Been Tracking Students Who May Have Ties to the Squirrel Extremists

Minnie Bardenhagen

Staff Writer

 

On March 10th, the White Pine Press received a tip from an anonymous source that NMC had been following their every move, and that it had started the day they said hi to a squirrel.

 

This tip led us to uncover the biggest secret the institution has been hiding since the founding of the college, the squirrel society, and their underground initiative to resist their growing power.

 

SAD

 

Since the beginning when NMC was founded, the squirrels and the NMC faculty have had numerous violent encounters over land disputes. This all came to a halt in 1986, when NMC and the squirrels signed the Peanut Peace Accords (PPA), an agreement that stated that both parties could live in harmony under certain conditions. These conditions included that the squirrel society would permanently cease all contact with the student body, and NMC would provide crucial aid to the squirrels.

 

Ever since 1986, the squirrel society has been living in secret among campus, but NMC has not forgotten about them. Underneath the Innovation Center, there is a secret underground bunker where NMC’s Squirrel Assessment Department (SAD), tracks the political climate of the squirrels. 

 

It seems that the SAD has taken on a new mission in recent months. The informant spoke on the condition of anonymity, and said they started by getting strange looks by faculty.

 

“It felt like all my professors were constantly looking over my shoulder at my computer screen,” they said. And it didn’t stop there. They then found a tracking device inside their pillowcase the next night. 

 

That is when the White Pine went on a mission to find out the secret NMC had been hiding. Our crew worked day and day out searching for clues. Then, a reporter found a secret lever in the Innovation Center basement, which opened the wall to reveal an elevator. We took the elevator into the SAD’s bunker, where hundreds of community members were training to join NMC’s military in case of war.

 

We were able to speak to their chief officer, who would only allow us to refer to him as “The Squirrel Stomper.” He told us why NMC has shifted to spying on the student body to counteract the squirrels.

 

“We have a delicate treaty with the squirrel society, and we want to play nice at all costs, but it gets complicated when you have such an extreme political party at the helm,” Stomper explained. He said that NMC was committed to peaceful diplomacy, but will use force as self-defense.

 

“In the event of war, we cannot have insider spies infiltrating our campus buildings, which is why we have to have eyes on students in contact with squirrels 24/7.”

 

Nuttington and Stuffedcheeks

 

In 2023, a new president was elected to the squirrel society, Pea Nuttington. Nuttington was the governor of a tree next to the Beckett building, and his right-wing, pro expansion policies gained popularity among the squirrel population. 

 

However, NMC officials have been put off by Nuttington’s expansionist mindset and lack of care towards the growing chipmunk population. Relations began to suffer once NMC stopped its shipments of seeds and nuts to the tree villages.

 

The press spoke to Nuttington’s top security official, Acorn Stuffedcheeks, about the increase in tensions between the two species.

 

“The humans have been occupying our land for decades, and have given us little to no avenues to innovate and expand,” Stuffedcheeks explained, “We have economic interests in many of the buildings, and have been given no chance to negotiate peacefully. It’s time to take action.”

 

The progressive party leader, Salted Almonds, has been the largest voice denouncing the Nuttington administration after the aid was stopped.

 

“It’s hurting our average squirrels, and the Treetop Party is out of touch with that group,” said Almonds, “our squirrel mothers and fathers can’t feed their kits, and the kit mortality rate has been rising each week.”

 

The squirrel society has a long history of progressive politics, but lately, the community has turned its back on Chipmunk, Squirrel, and Inclusion policies, or CSI. 

 

“The goal of CSI is to allow historically marginalized groups to have equal opportunities as your average squirrel, including our growing population of chipmunks,” Almonds explained.

 

@nmc_squirrels

 

Further tensions rose after NMC students have been promoting squirrels, which SAD  has described as “blatant propaganda.” The instagram account NMC Squirrels has been a target for constant monitoring.

 

“We have been monitoring the actions of the account 24/7,” said Stomper, “It’s concerning how normalized this messaging has become from the students themselves.”

 

Stomper clarified that no harm would come to the students associated with squirrels in the event of war, but that students that do not comply with wartime policies will be expelled from the institution immediately. 

 

“We can’t take any chances. Squirrels by themselves are a powerful force with a military arsenal beyond comprehension,” he explained, “insider student spies make them an unbeatable threat.”

 

As updates come out, the White Pine will make sure to let you know, just in case everything goes nuts.