Over the past few semesters, NMC has taken steps to solidify its place in the blue economy. Initiatives and projects like the Freshwater Research and Innovation Center have become the centerpiece of NMC’s goals.

 

But is it enough? The Board of Trustees did not think so when, on Feb. 23, they unanimously voted to relocate all of NMC’s campuses to the bottom of Lake Michigan.

 

In a statement, NMC public relations clarified: “This decision is vital if we want our students to be fully educated on the Great Lakes.”

 

As a matter of fact, NMC is adding a new certificate: “Fish Assimilation Level I.” The program is very much what the name implies. Students will have surgically implanted gills and fins. They will then shadow a fish for a semester to learn its ways.

 

“I have always wanted to be a fish,” said either a liberal arts or environmental science major, probably.

 

Most students were shocked by the change and immediately took to social media to voice their concerns.

 

One automotive technology student, John Engine, is organizing a protest in response to the news. 

 

“I get moving the Great Lakes campus underwater, I mean, it’s literally in the name. Even the main campus kind of makes sense. But moving Aero Park makes zero sense,” Engine said, “It’s like NMC just disregarded its car nerds.”

 

Engine and other students are also asking for more transparency on lobbying issues within the Board of Trustees and the President’s Office.

 

“I heard a rumor that a walleye treated Nick Nissley to a two-hundred-dollar dinner,” Engine said, “I feel like we should know when our officials are being bought.”

 

Some students, however, are embracing the change.

 

“I thought that AI was going to take my job,” said a web tech major, “now I know there are other options. That I can do something AI can’t.” Unfortunately for that student, OpenAI just announced its plan to make AI-powered robot fish, because even the fish don’t get to have a stable job market.

 

To fund the project, NMC is selling half of the student body.

 

“Anyone who doesn’t want to swim with the fishes is first on the chopping block,” a board member said.

 

The process of moving the campuses will not be easy. Because NMC does not want to rebuild every building—which would require selling the entire student body for funds—they are having the buildings moved in a quite unconventional way.

 

“You know that movie with the old man who makes his house fly with balloons,” said a board member, “Yeah, we are doing that.”

 

As a part of the change, all NMC faculty members will be required to learn to breathe underwater for at least 10 minutes straight. 

 

“We want to prioritize that students have the snorkels,” NMC public relations said in its statement, “So faculty is just going to have to wing it.” NMC President Nick Nissley is encouraging faculty members to embrace the change.

 

“I am in my mermaid era,” Nissley said, flipping his hair.

 

However, some faculty are voicing concerns about how the lake might disrupt instructional time.

 

“They are telling me I have to ‘assimilate’ with my lunch,” said a culinary arts instructor, “I’m not raising my students like wusses. Fish are only our friends if they are pan-seared and come with a side of coleslaw.”

 

Experts on human-fish relations are calling the rhetoric coming from students and staff “a bit dramatic.”

 

“Fish are people too,” said one expert. The expert pointed out the long fight for fish suffrage in America: “While everyone was distracted by the women’s suffrage movement, the fish were there too.”

 

While the fish lobbyists have finally succeeded in getting to NMC, there is still a long way to go before any fish-rights legislation gets put before the US Congress.

 

“All we want is proper representation in the legislature,” said a perch, “Unfortunately, our lobbying only does so much with the hold Quagga Mussels have on our senators and representatives.”

 

The Quagga Mussels have a Super PAC that is already the largest donor to candidates across the political spectrum for the 2026 midterm elections. However, the fish believe that NMC’s move is the first of many steps humanity needs to take to understand the struggles of fish.

 

“From the surface, you can’t really observe us,” said the perch, “There’s a whole new world underwater that students will get to explore.”