We all know that feeling. You arrive at NMC’s main campus between the hours of 10 am and 2 pm on a weekday. You are already running late, but if you could get parked as soon as you get there, you could make it to your class.

 

However, now you find yourself driving your car in spirals around the Aspen and Cedar Lots, hunting for a place that isn’t a 7-minute walk from your Health and Science Building or Scholars Hall class. Several other student cars are circling the lot like vultures. You all silently compete with each other, yearning to be the first to notice a parking space.

 

Alas, you realize that all hope is lost. You decide to park in the back of Cherry Lot and take a trudge through Michigan weather, all to be ten minutes late.

 

Students must not lose hope. Finally, something is being done. The US Fish and Wildlife Service has now classified parking spots on Front Street Campus as an endangered species.

 

“We have been getting reports from students for years about the state of the parking spots at NMC,” a spokeswoman for the agency said, “There are no excuses. Change needs to start today if we want to see any available parking in the future.”

 

With NMC’s increasing enrollment, the parking ecosystem has been thrown off balance, Jessica Tree, a wildlife expert, said.

 

“It is a classic case: when the population of the predator goes up, the population of the prey goes down, right?”

 

In response to the declaration, NMC has announced an initiative to increase the parking space population.

 

“We are starting a parking lot breeding program to begin improving campus quality for all students,” said an NMC press release, “We believe that the college has the authority and duty to resolve this issue in the strangest possible way.”

 

According to the project manager, Cement Jones, the college is looking at breeding Cedar Lot and Cherry Lot.

 

“Hopefully, the outcome will be a Lot twice the size of both,” said Jones.

 

The new parking lot breeding program will be carefully controlled to maintain safety on campus for all students. However, students should expect to see delays in campus traffic, as actively breeding lots will not be available for parking.

 

“I see this as a minor inconvenience that will create a really awesome thing,” one student said of the delays.

 

Other students, though, are not so happy.

 

“Are students that lazy? Just walk from Cherry Lot,” one student (who lives on campus) said.

 

“Is it safe to be by parking lots during their mating season?” Another student wondered.

 

When asked about the safety implications of such an endeavor for students, NMC Security Head Garrett Croon forwarded the White Pine Press to public relations. 

 

Another concern of students was that delayed traffic would cause students to try stupid maneuvers around traffic.

 

“We are in college. 50/50 chance anyone you pass by is a little tipsy,” said one student.

 

When approached in-person to provide a comment on these concerns, Garrett Croon went through a polyjuice potion esc transformation into Diana Fairbanks.