Jace Dunlap

Staff Writer

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As darkness fell on Pier 39 on March 5, over 100 sea lions used the sounds of crisp salt water crashing into the wooden support beams to creep onto the shores of San Francisco, California. The sea creatures dispersed, waddling down the Embarcadero. 

 

By the break of dawn, sea lion troops were in control of most of the Bay Area. Citizens tuning into their morning news on ABC7 were met with the adorable regime leader. The Sea Lion addressed the viewers directly, “AR body slap ARRRR AAHH ARARARRR body slap ARRR AAAAAAAARH!!!” 

 

Tyler Heart reached out directly to this publication to air his concerns with the broadcast. “I’m not really sure what the Seal guy was saying, but I really didn’t like the tone of voice he took with me. That young man has no idea how to respect his elders, and has no broadcast edict.” 

 

The sea lions continue their rampage across San Francisco, taking over the Treasure Island Naval Station, arming themselves with artillery.

 

Political scientists speculate that their next targets will be Hollywood. This is speculated because of the Sea Lions' natural urges to be involved in divisive rom-coms.  Critics say that this may be something that movie lovers are not emotionally prepared for. 

 

If the Sea Lions continue at the same rate of infiltration, the slippery troops could make it to the Midwest by the middle of March.  

 

After a brief materialization trip to Pier 39 at 3:33 am, holographic Jacob 2 was the only eyewitness at the climax of the evasion. 

 

During an interview with Jacob 2, Trump said, “The Trump administration has been fighting against deep state propaganda, including the concepts of New Zealand, Sea Lions, and true love for years. It is incredibly disheartening to hear that San Francisco’s head lizard people and reporters have fallen for this propaganda.” 

 

When reached for comment, Marco Rubio was unable to as he was actively being mauled by a Sea Lion while on a family trip to San Francisco. 

 

Congress is unable to come to a conclusion on the issue at the time due to the lack of any substantial information on their nation of origin.

 

Theories of nation names that could be assigned for the Sea Lions are Republic of the Sea, Lions United, The Real Atlantis, The Pacific Realm, and Killer.Whale.Hater_UwU.

 

Government officials urge citizens to stay in their homes. The sea lions may appear harmless. However, they are armed and dangerous. An estimated 50 casualties have been reported so far. 

 

Families of the victims have begun coming forward as a resource for the San Francisco Police Department (SFPD). At this time, the SFPD is still unsure of how to handle the invasion, although theories of creating a mech suit that looks like a Sea Lion to infiltrate the troops and terminate them from the inside out.

 

The Zoological Association of America warns that the sea lions may use their adorable appearances and tricks to convince citizens to allow them

entry to their homes and businesses, but once they are inside, they attack with their Pistol Shrimp and swordfish. To say safe locals should go along with any demands made by the creature, as resistance is likely to result in death.

 

Due to the lack of interference by the United States government, unsung heroes of the ocean have stepped up. A pod of killer whales has been spotted in the Bay Area; sources are currently unable to tell their place of origin. The group has been responsible for busting up to 5 Sea Lion operations. 

 

The killer whales utilize their innate stealth capabilities to sneak up on their flipper-footed targets. Within seconds, the whale devours the creature whole, leaving only the cursing screams of the lion. Witnesses to the Sea Lion extermination have been left in disbelief in multiple cases from witnessing an 11-ton animal decimate another creature.

 

Residents of the Bay Area have begun taking to the streets to show their support for the Killer Whales and their initiative. Marching down the Embarcadero, protesters wave signs reading “Killer Whales for President,” “The future is Killer,” and “Killers’ today for living tomorrow."

 

Seal Ion, an opposer of the Killer Whale movement, reached out to comment, “I believe that it is unconstitutional for people to infringe on the democratic principles of tyranny. If a pod of local sea lions wants to overthrow the local and national government, it is their god-given right to do so.”

 

The organizers of the protest plan to hold more demonstrations in the near future. Kalh Wale, the main organizer of the movement, said, “Now more than ever, it is time for people to unite. Their sorry excuse of democracy is tyranny disguised as freedom.”