Speed Dating for Birds
March 25, 2021
“Hey. I’m Francis
Nice to meet you.
The Twitter bird?
You probably heard my name before. No?
Okay. I’m sure you’ve seen that one photo of me that everyone has seen.
You know. With the blue backdrop.
The Twitter bird.
No, that’s a picture of me. Yes, really.
God. This always happens to me.
How many other cartoon birds do you know?!
Okay. Sure. Woody the Woodpecker.
Yes, and Tweety Bird.
Daffy Duck? I guess he counts.
Sure, then I guess Scrooge, Donald, Huey, Louie, and Dewey count too.
And yes, Woodstock is so cute, you’re right.
I get the point.
But none of them look anything like me! This one is so obviously me. What are you, blind?
Can we just—can we talk about something else? Tell me about you.
Well, sure I wanna hear it. Go ahead.
No, I’m—listen, I’m sorry that I yelled.
You don’t have to tell the committee—
Hi, no, yes. I know that she’s saying I yelled at her.
Oh, that’s where you draw the line?
I’ve seen so much shi—
What’re you gonna do, kick me out of speed dating night at this local, sh*thole?
You’re gonna kick me out!
I’m the most recognizable, g*d d**m cartoon here!
All these others are just wannabes!
YOU THINK DARKWING ∞%^&$#@ DUCK IS MORE FAMOUS THAN I AM!ARE YOU ON *&($%&# METH!
I’M THE ^&$*(&$ TWITTER BIRD!
#$%^ YOU, MAN!
I’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND @#$% YOUR &^%*&^$ $&$^%&
WATCH YOUR FEATHERY %&$^*&$ BACK!
OKAY! I’M LEAVING! Get you #$$^% hands off me, man.
Yeah, good. I’m glad you think I’m a d^#k.
Go ahead and $*%&(*$ tweet about it.”