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Second-Hand Goods Crisis Looms

March 25, 2021

White Pine Pickle
Rusty Nayles
Thought Leader

Photo by B. Onsay

The global pandemic saw many investors putting their money into nano-commodities. In the early months of 2020, there was a lot of gambling on sewing machines, bread makers, home brewing equipment, and meat smokers. While many expected high returns within 12 months, there is little evidence of broad success.

Americans by the thousands were swayed by the slick marketing campaigns of companies like JoAnn Fabrics and Ace Hardware, which sold a mythological lifestyle filled with home-cooked meals and enjoyable projects.

“Looking back now, I don’t know how I fell for their load of bull,” stated Clay Potts, part-time ball boy and father of eight. “No one lives like that! And now I’m stuck with a rototiller and a torn-up yard, all for a garden that yielded two tomatoes and a wormy head of broccoli, and a pottery studio that my wife hasn’t set foot in for the past eight months!”

Financial gurus recommend that investors looking to offload their investments do so while it is still a seller’s market. Top financial experts expect a short-term upswing in the second-hand commodities market.

“We have a few months of expected growth in investment for this sector,” explained Peter Piper, head of the Department of Resale, Antiques, and Garage Sales (DRAGS). “By summer 2022, we expect the bubble to burst and investment values to plummet.”

This is bad news for many that expected their lives to be greatly improved with the investments. “I read about a woman who opened up a bakery out of her own kitchen,” said Patty Cakes, a laid-off telecommuter transportation organizer. “I invested a large portion of my savings to get my kitchen set up, but after a couple of weeks I realized that I just really don’t like baking.” Despite not seeing much return, individuals like Cakes may not be ready to give up on their investments just yet. “I know I should just sell but I really think that if I force myself, I’ll eventually be able to tolerate spending the day in the kitchen. I plan on trying again in a week or so.”

For those looking to take advantage of the trend, DRAGS recommends testing your local markets beginning June or July. “We expect buyers to be able to purchase various nano-commodities at 15–30% the initial cost. It’s a real crisis,” said Piper. This widespread drop in value could send the stock market into a dizzying tumble. “These small purchases, made by everyday Americans, is what the stock market is built on. Recovery for something like this could take decades.”

The long timeline could be due, in part, to the expected environmental impacts of a similar trend. Experts predict that as the country reopens, millions of Americans will be emptying pantries, freezers, and refrigerators. Current waste management processes are not prepared for the influx and disposal of an entire nation’s leftovers. The devastation of this is hard to imagine, according to environmental advocate Willow Bark. “We’re seeing landfill after landfill being dug to prepare for the literal tons of frozen casseroles, expired canned goods, and stale potato chips.”

This bleak future is far from set in stone. Experts recently discussed the possibility of reusing the inedible goods as fuel. Anaerobic digesters can break down the food waste and convert it into energy. The idea is being pushed by physics genius and think-tank pioneer, Ken Etic.

Etic was in the middle of a 72-hour ’80s movie binge when the idea hit him while watching “Back to the Future.” “When I saw Doc Brown shove a banana peel and some leftover beer into the gas tank, I knew it was a billion-dollar idea.” He immediately contacted the president and an emergency session of Congress was called.

The speed and efficiency of the government’s response to these looming issues has been both impressive and predictable. “The basic governance coming out of D.C. will steer us through the next few years,” Etic said in reference to the cooperation and collaborative problem solving shown in the elected leaders, adding, “We are also working with DRAGS and Congress is currently drafting a bill to provide funding to buy up any small electrical devices on the market to in order to build the digesters.” If the bill passes, inflating the market value for nano-commodity investors, the nation may avoid two catastrophic birds with one ’80s movie, to the relief of all.

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