Isabelle Abraham

Staff Writer

 

This Sunday night, I was walking to the Hawk Owl Cafe when my good friend, Samson the Squirrel, pulled me aside to show me his new restaurant, The Can. Located right between NMC’s Innovation Center and East Hall, Samson and his friends have served a multitude of customers. 

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When asked why he decided to start his own restaurant, Samson informed the press, “I’ve noticed a lot of food being wasted and left right outside of this door. My friends and I used to just take it for ourselves, but I realized that there were other squirrels that needed it more than we did. From then on I decided that I was going to open a restaurant where we took the food waste and reused it to feed those in need.” 

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I took the liberty of tracking down a few of Samson’s regulars. One particular squirrel I was introduced to was Mary. Mary is a single mom of four, and before discovering The Can, she struggled to find enough food to feed her household throughout the winter. “I’m very grateful that Samson thought of The Can,” Mary explained, “My kids and I have been eating there every night since it opened. The prices are relatively cheap too, only two acorns for a frozen burger. I find it to be especially helpful during the winter months.” During the colder seasons, the squirrels struggle to scrounge up enough acorns to make it to spring. They do their best to forage over the summer, but you can only save so much. “I can make one frozen cheeseburger last for a while. We eat half of it for dinner and then we portion the leftovers for breakfast and lunch throughout the week. My only wish would be that we could get more fruits and vegetables. My kids need their vitamins.” 

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Another of Samson’s regulars is known by the neighborhood as Ol’Chip. Ol’ Chip spent some time in the trenches during the Squirrel and Chipmunk War of 1975. Unfortunately, he was injured while on duty and had to have his front right paw amputated, making digging for acorns a grueling and painful job. His food stores had nearly run out when The Can opened. Ol’ Chip expressed that, “Samson has truly been so kind to me. He knew I was struggling to get enough food to eat so he offered me free meals in exchange for some help in the front. I can’t do much, but I’ve gotten pretty good at taking orders and bringing out the food.” 

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Interestingly enough, The Can has also been a big support system for the Progressive Party during the current threat of war, which is described in full detail on page seven. Samson and his employees have been providing meals for the rebels during this trying time, supporting them in their efforts to prevent the upcoming war. “As for my take on current events,” Samson shared, “I believe that if it weren’t for the humans here on campus, I wouldn’t have the food supply for my restaurant. Call me selfish and imprudent if you want, but we need their food scraps to keep our children fed in the winter. We simply can’t afford to run them off our land.” 

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Overall, the restaurant has been an extraordinary asset to the community, providing food and jobs for the squirrels who need it. The existence of The Can, and our ignorance of that existence up to this point, makes me wonder what else is out there. What other restaurants, businesses, or alliances are run secretly by squirrels or chipmunks, or maybe even deer? What places stay hidden in the background of our daily lives? One day, will we open our eyes to see that the entire campus has been overtaken by ambitious mammals? I guess the only way to find out is to stay tuned and keep a watchful eye. I’ll certainly be keeping mine.