Isabella Plamondon

Staff Writer

Sydney Boettcher

Staff Writer

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In our attempt to forge a more perfect newspaper, inform the public of the tyranny of Minnie Bardenhagen–the current Editor-in-Chief of the White Pine Press–and secure our standing as a new prospective news publication, we present the following declaration.

During our time at the White Pine Press, we have endured repeated injustices and tyrannical acts. To list a few:

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1. She has imposed unreasonable deadlines upon us, often giving writers as little as two full weeks to complete assignments.

2. She refuses to nominate the next Editor-in-Chief.

3. She holds all staff meetings in the bomb shelter (also known as the White Pine Press newsroom), a location tragically lacking heat. As such, she has subjected her writers to extreme chilled air against their will.

4. She has provided no foosball table nor any other recreational amenities in said bomb shelter. 

5. She permits only one White Pine Pickle per year.

6. She forbids us from making up interviews and quotes.

7. She refuses to allow White Pine Press funds to be used for the bribing of sources and public officials.

8. She has placed cruel and unusual restrictions upon nap time.

9. She attempted the satanic, ritualistic sacrifice of Sydney.

10. She has withheld emotional support stuffies.

11. She never answers her phone and will not call us back :(

12. She refuses to walk us home.

13. She has never picked up our dinner bill–not one time.

 

In every stage of these injustices, we have petitioned (begged) Bardenhagen to foster a more positive atmosphere built on love, trust, and vibes. Alas, our petitions were only met with bland and exceedingly tardy emails, and soul-sucking labor–our poor fingers toil away. As such,

 

Bardenhagen has stricken the joy from journalistic writing. 

 

We have pleaded with our fellow writers, but they have chosen to grovel at the boot of Bardenhagen–boot-lickers, the lot of them.

 

And so, in times like these, responsibility falls on the shoulders of strong writers to bring the truth to the people–free of tyranny and free of censorship. Since no avenue of change has been taken, we have decided to make our own. We hereby declare the founding of an independent paper: We the Press.

 

The college deserves the truth, hand-delivered to you by the Lord Rulers of Journalism: Isabelle Plamondon and Sydney Boettcher.

But what is a kingdom without subjects? We, the Lord Rulers, ask for your help in running this new, vociferous paper.

 

In exchange for your undying devotion and endless adoration, we shall reward our subjects with a foosball table in every building and pizza parties every weekend. However, under no circumstances will a foosball table be rewarded to the boot-lickers of the White Pine Press.

 

In addition to these rewards, we present you with a new frontier of opportunities. We, the Lord Rulers, are in search of qualified subjects to be our esteemed council of elite workers–AKA The Esteemed Council of the Press. The positions needed are as follows:

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• Page designer

• More than one printer

• Editor

• Writers

• Advisors

• Someone to fill the Minnie-sized hole in our hearts